Things are not always what they are.

"In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends upon the name it bears"

When i wake up, every morning i am supposed to be grateful for surviving another day,
but i never seem to be able to. Because when i wake up in the morning, my first thought always is, ugh.. just a few more minutes. To do what exactly?
To sleep away another few, however brief they might be, minutes of life, that i could have used way more effectively?
Or is this because sub-consciously i honestly do not want to face the day, or "life" that waits for me. Every morning.

When i sat down to write this blog post, my initial title was "life is as sure as you are" which after writing the first part of this post, which i can honestly say was written while i was sitting here, and not mediated upon. Cause thats how i roll.
seems depressing.
But then again.. the new title and direction this post seems to be taking is also, very much depressing.. though uplifting in some way.

For years i have lived, waiting.. always waiting for something to happen. I do art, and then wait for it to happen. I write poetry, then wait for it to happen. I finish a poem which i can say i am proud of, and then i lock it up in some file on the computer. What do i expect? That some publisher will hack into my computer to read my work and then steal it? And when i wake up tomorrow morning, not wanting to face the day, or just not wanting to wake up, i will pick up my blackberry and find an email from a publishing house begging me to publish my work? Promising me that i can have my first collection or novel or whatever it might be published as i want to? With the best media coverage and a promise of a great career. Instead of actually trying to get out there, i wait. We all wait.
When we wake up, we immediately start with wait. We want to wait a few more minutes before we get up, and in those shy minutes before we are 100% awake, we think only of the madness they day hold for us, and how we wish we were still asleep.
We dream of it.

Reality in a sense, is the small little grey area between black and white.. its the link between fantasy worlds and the one we call real. Its being unsure, its wanting to wait, but not doing it. Its trying your best. Reality is failing and falling and hurting. But its also receiving, and love and hope. Reality is the small tiny little piece of our brains that doesn't exist, it just is.

Exams have been tedious, they have been fun and humiliating and agonizing and in some sick way, enjoyable. testing. with no pun intended.
But the life surrounding the exams, have been horribly plain.
Fights between "friends" over the silliest things ever. Annoying.
Needy people, clingy people. If you cant stand on your own, then you will forever be leaning on someone else, and eventually they wont allow it anymore. So for fucks sake, GET YOUR OWN FEET.. thanks.
The worst part about feeling like someone is constantly leaning on you, the person knows, they know they are leaning on you, but pretend not too.

Now, a poem :

Untitled.
"It is your time.
The eyes, fear filled, tear filled.
You skip a beat, like a heart.
But you do not die.
Oh god, you do not die!

The apple tree, it is in full blossom.
But they will never see its fruits,
Ripe and juicy.
They never lift their faces that high.
Their eyes scan the ground,
Searching.

Missing pieces of memory,
Or small change.
No one knows.
But Oh god, they search!

And in the lost darkness,
The shining faces of the missing
Fade out the moons lights.
And Oh god, the worlds."

Any ideas for titles? No? okay then.

I have been here, once or twice before in my life.
Where you realize that you should actually do what you want.
Don't just sit there and wait like a fucking idiot. Get up, and do something.
Paint, and show it to people. Write, and join a writing guild/site.
Cry, and dont be shy about it. Cuss as loud as you want, someone will understand you.
Believe in yourself, no one else will unless you do first. Love, god knows it doesnt hurt unless you fuck up. so dont.
Trust, because you might get hurt by the ones you trust, but it hurts more to never be trusted.

On the other news :

Emilie Autumn was mentioned in an article on grammy.com.
Pretty cool. right?

Now, i have to concentrate on History and my Art concept.. the title is "reality"
and i do not know where to begin. And that might just be an idea in itself.

Smile fook.
Your only here once.. might as well have some fun.

<3