Modern Hippie - and no one cares.

"Ek se dit vooruit
hard
ek staan vir niks
ek skaar my by nerens
niemand kom my naby..."
- Antjie Krog

I know who i am. And who i want to be. Or i thought i did.
I thought i knew.

I am scared. As much as i hate admitting this. Its true. I am scared, and so are you.
Or most of you.
The opening words of a poem by Antjie Krog called 1995. Today, as i sat, thinking. fearing to be truthful. These words came back to me. Haunting me.

I am a modern hippie. Most people of my age group are. We are fighting like they did, in the '60s for peace in our country. Amongst our people. Peace for us.
The generation with the answers. Fixing things we never broke. Never wanted broken.
Global Warming, Racial Hate, War..

Maybe we only want to fix these things, because we don't really understand why they started. Why the previous generation of people created these issues.
But all i know, is that i do not want to be stuck with these responsibilities.

I fear for my life. Not because i am white or afrikaans or whatever. I fear for the lives of my friends. We are all in trouble. We are all hurting because of past mistakes we weren't old enough to make. Some of us weren't even born.

We are surrounded, especially here in South Africa with questions. And not the good kinds. We question whether or not we will wake up in the morning. Whether we will see our parents and children today after work or school. Cause at any moment. They could become victims of murder or rape. By anyone.
Because in a time of such hurt and hate. We have all forgotten how to smile and love.

Maybe we are all trying to pretend its not here. That this is not happening. But it is. And writing the words peace on your arm -as lovely as a symbol that might be- wont make a difference. Saying you will take part in a strike or peace movement against the racial hate and insecurities in our country, wont make a difference.
Maybe being there might. But just saying you will. Wont. As sad as this might be.
Maybe God has already given us peace and love. Because you know, we are all asking Him why he hasn't given us peace. He has the power and the might. Maybe he has given us these things. We just do not understand how life can be lived without anger and hurt and hate. And thus we created these monsters. These horrible crimes of "fairness". Maybe we are all so obsessed with what is wrong, that we forget to see the good. Maybe we should just turn on the light.

"Happiness can be found, in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light"

Another quote. It might be from a fictional character. But it is true none the less.
Maybe we have forgotten how to be happy. I have been questioning myself for the last few days on whether or not i have been truly happy in my life. And to be honest. I do not know.

The future for me here in South Africa is not one of light and love. And i want it to be. I always wanted to be a writer. I also wanted to publish here. But now, if the future is war and hate. Then what is the use? Why bother putting all this time and effort and heart and sweat and tears into something that will probably never be seen. No one will take notice, because we are all to busy destroying each other.

We are modern Hippies. Bad ones. But still. We are trying to fight for freedom and peace in a country and time that is messed up beyond repair. Fucked to be honest.

I am scared.
I never used to be. But i am scared. And i hate admitting this.
Scared for my life. Scared for the lives of my friends, and loved ones.
Scared for your life.
Ek is gatvol.

We have lost all sense of being human. We have even lost our religion.
We dont pray anymore. Unless we fear. We have lost our religion and all sense of being human. Argue with me. But it is true.
We pray for the country and for help and cry out. But when things were doing well. We did not once pray to be thankful. At least not publicly. (facebook prayers to be exact)

We need to ground ourselves again. We need to learn to love and be happy.
We have to pray because we want to, because we enjoy it. We have to love and live and laugh because we care for it.
We have to be happy.
We have to get rid of the plague. The plague of hate and hurt.

But, the sad thing is. No one will read this.
And even if they do.
It wont make a difference.

And this makes me even sadder.
This makes me feel even worse.

We should learn to love again.
Learn to smile again.

Or else,
we will be fucking ourselves even worse.

Love. <3

ps. Join this group on facebook. Happiness